My Introspection: The First Half

It’s been a really long time I wrote anything, so I’m a little jittery while typing this. The first half of the year 2020 is over, and I decided to do a little introspection by writing.

At the beginning of the year, I identified some areas I needed to work on if I wanted to be the better person and “light of the world” I dreamed about. I’d share some of them and how far I have gone in the improvement process below:

Identified Areas

• Sugary drinks: At the beginning of the year, I couldn’t go a day without taking a bottle of soft drink. Sometimes I even took 2-3 bottles in a day. Lunch without a bottle of soft drink was nearly impossible. How can I be a “light of the world” if I die of excess sugar problems ehn 😄???.
• Solo Attitude: This is some defense mechanism I built while navigating through my 12 years as an only child. I learned not to need people or get attached to them. I learned to toughen up and deal with my issues inside instead of sharing (yes, I know sharing is supposed to be caring 🙄). I would be hurting deeply on the inside but wouldn’t tell a soul. It also helped that I was (am) good at masking feelings. Yes, it has its benefits, but it also has many downsides. Many of my loved ones felt I was deliberately leaving them out because I was running some solo race or I didn’t love them enough to want to share my life's happenings with them.
• Arguments: 😄 This one was my mum's feedback on January 1st. I could (still can) and would argue my way (with correct logical facts o) out of anything. This made my loved ones wary of giving me feedback.

Me trying to prove a point

• Exercising: Mehn! I was putting on a lot of weight. I moved to a new house in May 2019 and had a lot of pressure from work, so it wasn't easy combining that with exercising. I kept procrastinating till my old trousers couldn’t fit anymore, and my tummy became like stacked cotton bales 🤦‍♀️.

• Spirituality: I started the year feeling like I lacked some understanding of the God I claimed to love. I knew other people’s interpretation of the bible, I hear what the Pastor preaches in church, but I felt the need to go back to the foundation and understand it from the ground up. You will agree that there are many controversies around spirituality; I needed to make my own conclusions, not one handed to me by someone else.
• Relationship: I realized that I did not understand how to love a person. I was scared of commitment (still scared). I always felt like everyone would eventually leave. I felt like my personality isn’t great enough to make anyone want to stay. So I built some mean wall that prevented me from getting deeply emotionally committed to anyone. It can be great for heartbreaks o, I mean, I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if the person disappoints, but it also prevented me from enjoying the present love life.

Improvement process

• Sugary Drinks: I underwent a 1 month off sugary drink challenge, which helped me purge myself of the addiction. I still take it but definitely not as frequently as before. Whoop🎉! Whoop 🎉!

• Solo Attitude: Hmm! This I am still struggling with 🤦‍♀️. I think I’ve spent so long inside myself to share a lot with anyone. I’ve made progress, though. I’ve learned how to say exactly how I feel, talk about successes and failures, carry loved ones along and involve them in some of my life happenings (even if most times I still feel like I’m over-sharing and they’d be bored as hell listening to me blab), how to ask for help and also how not to dodge serious deep conversations 😄. I’ve also learned to think about how my actions affect others around me, listen to people (their words and actions), ask people for their opinions, and be selfless. I’m definitely not where I want to be in this area yet, but I am making progress.
• Arguments: I have made tremendous progress here (my mum would be elated about this 😄). Whenever I feel the need to argue about a feedback: (1) I tell myself that the feedback is coming from a place of love. If the person didn’t like/care about me, he/she wouldn’t waste precious time correcting me. (2) When I feel defensive about the feedback and try to prove how wrong the person is about it, I remind myself to take it, introspect, and pick some lessons. It’s all in a bid to make me better. (3) I also tell myself that the person cannot be absolutely wrong. If the person felt bad about an action I portrayed, something needed to be changed. The attitude or the communication.

How cool I am with receiving feedback without arguments now ✋. Ps: I am the giant dinosaur here

• Exercising: I learned how to work out without the gym. I learned new home routines, created workout schedules, did monthly challenges, and made myself accountable. I also added it to my daily routine. It was tough initially, but my body fell in line.

• Spirituality: I got a study bible and started reading from the creation. I’m currently in Genesis 37. Since I started, many things make more sense to me, and I’m forming my own conclusions. Also, I asked God to open and enlighten the eyes of my understanding.
• Relationship: This part 😭! Hmm! Hmm! (add some extra “Hmm”)! The wall is coming down slowly(really slowly). I am still terrified of commitments, but I am 10% less scared than when I started. Yep! 10%.

I am definitely not where I want to be with the highlighted issues, but I am better than when I started. It’s not the end; it’s just the beginning.

😁 Thanks for taking some time out of your busy schedule to read my lame article. Ciao 👋!